You Can Call Me Saucy

The End

I never anticipated that I would write this blog post. And most definitely not because of this. I have tried to be 100% me on this blog. I wasn’t really sure when this journey started where my place in the blogging world was. And now? Six months later? I’m still not sure, but I’m much more confident and happy in the fact that it’s ok I don’t have a designation. I’m not a mommy blogger or a d-blogger. I’m not a 20-something blogger nor a sports blogger. I am all of those and none of those and more. I am me. And I am proud of this fact.

A few months ago I became aware my immediate family was reading this blog. I was very honored by this fact at first, happy that my family was reading. I was sure it was because my style of writing and their ability to learn things about me they didn’t know was too much to resist. But then I became paranoid and feeling they were reading to hold something over me. I’ve learned that those are both true. My mom has been reading to stay current in my life. Sis? Different agenda.

While I tried not to let it intimidate me and attempted to continue writing under a certain veil of anonymity, I changed my tone. I don’t know why I felt like I couldn’t be 100% me with my mom & sister reading, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to talk about my sex life or complain too loudly (although I still did both occasionally). I really don’t know why. I can’t put my finger on it but I couldn’t take the judging if they knew every minute detail. I don’t have the foggiest idea why I felt more comfortable exposing my super dark secrets to the interwebs, but I did. In writing and sharing these parts of me I felt a release. People told me they understood. People told me I inspired them. Those are two things I don’t think I’ve heard a lot in my life. I’ve never felt unloved, I just always felt that parts of my habits and thoughts were weird, and if I shared them (with anyone) they would think I was strange. When I started reading other people’s writing, I realized that the internet was a great place to be you. It’s not high school or clique-y. Everyone is free to be themselves, whatever that means. If you’re a perverted, arachnaphobic, nerdy, tech smart jock? You can find a place here. And people will like you. And those who don’t? You will rarely know they even exist. It’s amazing.

I started using this blog as therapy. I could write here and it was safe. The people that came to visit & read were kind with their words & reflections. I felt more & more comfortable to be honest. I felt like I made connections with others that I hadn’t yet experienced in my day to day life. I think it started with blogging about my diabetes. For the first time since my diagnosis, I wasn’t alone. Even if I didn’t know these people in real life. When I started feeling that way about diabetes, I started to explore other topics. Most recently I have been brutally honest about my anxiety disorder. It’s something I’ve tried to hide for a long time but I felt safe. No one was going to call be a freak…in fact, most people thanked me for the honesty and were so kind, compassionate & understanding that I felt so free. For the first time in my WHOLE LIFE I realized that having an anxiety disorder it not only ok, it’s quite common. Again, I didn’t feel alone.

Sis often commented (rudely) that she didn’t understand why I felt I could tell complete strangers this stuff but not my family. Again, not once have I been judged by what I had to say on my blog. But in real life? Judged constantly. I don’t take good enough care of myself. I am a disappointment to my parents. I am an alcoholic. I am irresponsible. It has always been this way with her. And she gets more hurtful & spiteful every day. Last night she made another insinuation that I am an alcoholic. Actually, insinuation wasn’t the right word. She told me I couldn’t care for a child because I am, “out boozing every night.” News to me! In the last month I had drinks for my birthday and drinks at a friend’s wedding. No beers at home. No going out other than that. And that’s what it’s been like for a few months. I won’t deny that while I was going through my separation and divorce more than three years ago, I was self medicating with alcohol. I am aware & ashamed of this. However, that was three years ago. I have done much counseling to learn better & healthier ways to deal with my stress, depression & anxiety. And now? Alcohol doesn’t scare me. I don’t need and I rarely even use it anymore. As a matter of fact I was given 4 bottles of homebrew by my neighbor for my birthday. BRE just drank them this weekend (FF got them replaced because he’s a SAINT!). If I was an alcoholic would those have still been there? What about the ½ bottle of Coconut Rum on the bar? Or the 6 shooters in our closet? I think not. It’s especially hurtful when she calls me an alcoholic while I’m drinking a Diet Coke and she’s downing a wine spritzer (Pot? Meet  kettle!)

So because of this, and so much more that is very private (and would remain so even if not for this bullshit drama) I have decided to stop writing this blog. I may set up shop somewhere else eventually because I have found this writing to be so extremely therapeutic. Even FF comments on how not only does he like to read but he can understand  how my writing helps me work through things on a different level than talking them out with him, friends or my therapist, But for now I must protect my heart and emotions. That is what’s most important. I appreciate everyone’s love, support & comments over the last few months. I have made some friends here that I consider “real” (whatever that word means anymore). And I hope you’ll keep your eyes out for me. I’ve also changed my twitter name so as not to be found by people who I would like to stay in hiding from. If you were already following me, this change will not effect you. If you weren’t, send an e-mail to me at saucyredhead915 {at} yahoo {dot} com and if I can verify you’re not trying to infiltrate, I’ll give you the new handle. Thanks again everyone. I’ll catch ya on the flip side! XOXO


Wordless Wednesday – Bangor Edition

FF & I went to Bangor last weekend for my college roommate’s wedding. It was the trip from hell! I’m still working on a post all about it but have been soooo exhausted. So these pics will have to get you through. And yes, some of these are from camera phones so please excuse the poor quality XO