You Can Call Me Saucy


In A Nutshell


Just a few snippets of things that I did/saw/heard/felt/experienced from this past weekend. It was amazing!

Talking baseball & hotdogs with my 2.5 year old nephew

Season 3 of “Weeds”

$50 bottles of champagne…drank out of a pint glass with a new friend(?)

First morning kisses

Cooking 18 things simultaneously on a Saturday morning…while dancing & singing around the kitchen & having workers painting your house

Family brunches where everyone enjoyed the food, the company & lots of laughter

Little JD getting ready to walk on his own

Adult naptimes – that don’t include sleep ūüėČ

BBQs with new friends

Beerpong & jello shots

A pit bull & a little baby pug puppy

Getting to bed early on Saturday night (I’m talking 10pm!)

Early morning chats & movies

Sleeping in (till 11am!)

Friends meeting up at your house

Enjoying a beautiful day under blue skies with friends (new & old) playing disc golf

Riding home in the back seat with the windows open

Pastaless¬†spaghetti with dad’s homemade sauce

Waking up on Monday morning to discover that…your fasting blood sugar is 105, a friend came through on their promise to get you & your dad tickets to the Tractor Pulls at the Champlain Valley Expo & a text from a super sweet, scorchingly hot boyfriend who says something about your body (i.e. that it’s “incredibly sexy”..swoon!)

I’m totally ready for this week. My boss is out unexpectedly and may be most of the week but it’s not gonna get me down!

How about you – what were the highlights of your weekend?

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Night Terror


It’s Friday! I have a lovely weekend planned and hope you all do too. I’m not going to do my typical Random Friday post today. It seems people aren’t enjoying it and it’s a lot of work for nothing. Today though, I want to touch on anxiety. Yes, again. It seems to be taking over my life as of late and writing about it is so super therapeutic for me. This post is kind of intense and hard to write. It most likely will be difficult to read as well. I attempted to write this as a stream of consciousness but that was hard to do since its been 24 hours (I did write a little yesterday but nothing I can post – yet). So, I tried anyway. Please bear with me ūüôā

Wednesday night FF & I, along with about a dozen or so friends, went to Vermont Lake Monsters game. I go to one game a year and it’s the night they have $0.25 hotdogs. Man I love me some steamed McKenzie hotdogs! I kicked FF’s ass last year and beat him by eating 9 hotdogs to his 8 (we eat them bunless for the record). This year? Poop! He ate 12!!!! And I ate a measly 5.5. Oh well, next year right?! By the 7th¬†inning we were all getting bored our team was losing 1-0 so we decided to invite everyone back to your house. We had 6-7 people come over and we just chatted, drank beers & watched The Chapelle Show. It was a ton of fun. Everyone left shortly after midnight (note: I forgot how late that is for a school night!) and FF & I began getting ready for bed. We crawled in and my sugar was low. Damn it! So I ran downstairs to make a peanut butter sandwich. Crawled back into bed all giggly and eating my sandwich. I’d had a great night! I was excited to cuddle up with FF and get at least a few hours of sleep before Thursday came around. So I finished my sandwich, turned off the light and laid down. And then?

BAM

TERROR

I could feel my body start to tense up. FF tried to get closer, you know full on spooning, but I wasn’t having it. I kept trying to sneak away from him. He was a bit buzzed and VERY tired AND had to be at work at 5am (did I mention company didn’t leave until after 12?!) So I can feel the panic coming. It starts in my chest and just radiates. My foot starts tapping, faster & faster. I don’t want him to know. I can deal with this right?

Hang on Saucy. You’ll get through this. Just wait 5 more minutes til he’s asleep. Then you can get up & pace, or sit in your reading corner, or cry on the shower floor. You can do whatever you want, just LET HIM GO TO SLEEP FIRST.

No luck. He was on to me. Before I could even think about it he was sitting up, right behind me, rubbing my back and reminding me to breathe. Constantly telling me it was ok. He’s there. Calm down. I want out of this. I want this feeling to stop. I feel like I’m headed full speed into a cement wall. I see it before me and I can’t stop myself. I keep trying to stop but I’m not in control! Just someone let me be in control!

Breath Saucy. BREATHE!

More back rubbing & slow talking.

My jaw is aching from holding back these tears. Why the fuck am I freaking out?! Why am I holding back these tears? Oh, cuz I just want this to be over. And there’s so much going on! I’m trying to breathe. Trying not to cry. Trying to convince FF to sleep. Trying to stop this stupid anxiety from RULING MY LIFE!

After what seems like an eternity (I’m told it was about 5 minutes) I lay down and let FF hold me. I drift off into the kind of sleep you can’t understand unless you’ve lived through a panic attack. I slept like the dead. But it doesn’t mean it was good sleep. It was endorphins that made me anxious in the first place and when they die down? Peaceful & wonderful…but exhausting.

I woke up sometime after 5am to kiss FF goodbye. I told him I was sorry. I felt like I was wearing a lead jacket. My body was heavy and my mind foggy. And I was full of shame. So much shame.

I tried to get more sleep but was unsuccessful. I was crying and rolling around looking for the cool spot in the bed. I called work and let my boss know I would be late. I tried again for sleep. Too bad they’re working on the siding at my condo. BANG BANG BANG. Yup, no more sleep.

I got up and called the number for my new counselor.¬† I’ve had two anxiety attacks in less than two weeks. Shit. Voicemail. Oh well. Leave a message and pray you’ll hear back. Texting FF and apologizing and letting him know I’ll be ok…eventually. I don’t know when but I’m doing all I can do stop this.

I make it to work. Everything is foggy. It’s like I have an emotional hangover. I am on the verge of tears every second. I start tweeting. I get so much virtual love (BTW – you all are AMAZING! Thank you!)

Just a few hours. You can do this. No crying. No hyperventilating. NO STRESS! Then you can go home, take a long, candlelit bath and curl up in bed with FF. He knows you’ve had a rough day and he doesn’t want your excuses. He wants you better & he’s willing to help any way he can. And the new therapist called! You get to meet next Monday. Wow, I think that was a really good, cleansing breath. Knowing there’s an appointment makes the weight from your shoulders begin to disappear.

3pm. I’m outta here. I can’t get home fast enough. Screw the bath. I just want to sit here, enveloped in love on the couch watching Season 2 of Weeds. This is nice. The world actually LOOKS brighter. I giggle & blush with all the kind words & affection. We make dinner. I decide to do some kitchen experimenting (I made a baked strawberry dish – needs some tweaking but a great start!) And now it’s 8:30 & we’re heading to bed. Movie in hand. It doesn’t take long for sleep to come.

I open my eyes. It’s Friday morning. And…I feel like me! I’m ready to thank all of those who helped me find my way out of that dark hole of despair I was in yesterday. I’m ready to talk to my new therapist. To get to know her and for her to get to know me. To discuss starting medications again. I’m ready to keep trying to gain control over my anxiety. I’m ready to embrace life!

Thanks again to all my tweeps who reached out with kind words and silliness yesterday. It was appreciated more than you know (here’s looking at you @harleykatt, @meredithblumoff & my girlcrush @geninabug)

And to FF, your patience amazes and humbles me. I always know your arms are the place I want to be in when chaos strikes inside my mind. The safety you provide me (both physically and emotionally) is what I’ve longed for my whole life but gave up on. Thank you for accepting me as¬†I am and supporting me in my trials & tribulations. Thank you for not treating me as if I’m broken or in need of repair. As I said on Twitter after last week’s anxiety attack, “There is nothing like finding a perfect partner. One that will guide you along the ledges of insanity and show you the way¬†safely back¬†down…and then kiss your forehead & tell a silly story about slippers. #ILoveMyLife” XOXO


Wordless Wednesday – Birthday Party Edition


As I talked about here, I had a joint 30th birthday party with my lovelies this weekend. We had matching shirts, we had matching birthday wine glasses (I drank Diet Coke out of mine – yum!) and matching tiaras. My family came and I had a wonderful time watching BMan flirt with all the little ladies and JD capturing everyone’s hearts.¬†We had an awesome cake – it was cupcakes! And now you know my real name…or do you? It was a great¬† night! Enjoy the pictures!


And now I’m covered in Bandaids


See this?

Sexy

 These bandaids are my new best friend. Let me tell you why.

I wrote this post about anxiety a week or so ago and the response was overwhelming (thank you again for all the kind comments & virtual hugs!). What I didn’t talk about though was some of the habits I have developed relating to my anxiety. My biggest problem? I am a picker. I will pick at bug bites, scabs or any other loose piece of skin over & over¬†& over again. I will pick until it’s sore/bleeding/gross. This is not an attractive habit. I have scars (mostly on my arms since they’re easy to get to)that will most likely never go away. Sometimes when I pick the bleeding will last for 10 minutes or more (I’m not talking about a gusher here¬†folks but still, it will take several tissues before it’s over). I don’t know what makes me do this but I know I have been doing this a long time (since I was a kid). My mom always called me Romaine (her aunt’s name) because apparently she used to do the same thing. I know my grandmother does too. I never knew why I did it though…until recently. It appears when I get stressed or anxious, my fingernails always search out my arms and their irregularities (aforementioned scabs & bug bites). FF actually is the one that noticed this. He even got to the point where he was able to call me out on it. I would show up at the gym and he’d point to some bloodied spot on my arm and give me a look of serious disapproval. As my anxiety has peaked lately, the picking has gotten worse. I would almost say out of control. There’s only two spots right now on my arms but it’s nothing for me to pick at them several times throughout the day. So, we decided on a treatment. Bandaids. They are dual purpose too. First off, they cover up the spots my fingernails automatically go to when I get anxious. Secondly they are hideous (although no more so than bloody scabs – gross!) and I want to stop picking so¬†I can take them off.

I know there are people who pick. I’ve seen an episode of¬†Obsessed¬†on A&E¬†about this very topic. I don’t think mine is so bad I require therapy or meds but I do know if I don’t get a handle on it, I’m at the beginning of that road and I DO NOT want to go down it. So I’ll employ the bandaid¬†technique for a while to see how it works. I mean $4 for 100 little round bandaids? How do I say no?

I don’t mean to make light of this subject. OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), CSP (Chronic Skin Picking) and Dermatillomania are very real things people are struggling with. When a diagnosis like that is made, therapy and/or meds are much more needed than in my situation. My goal is not to let my anxiety rule me so much that I end up with a more serious form of picking. But educating myself about what can happen has helped me tremendously in the past to make sure I get control NOW. There’s a whole scary world out there full of mental illness that I can’t even imagine. The way this stress & anxiety feels is terrible enough and so often I feel stuck in a prison of my own mind for what feels like hours. In reality, it’s only minutes but all I want to do is escape.

I have a lot more to say about this topic but it’s so intense I can only write so much at one time. Thanks for listening and I am anticipating hearing what you all have to say about this. XOXO

See this?


Random Friday


We made it through another week!!!! Wahoo! Actually, this week FLEW by. It was like I blinked and it was over. WTF? Oh well, that just mean it’s one more week closer to my BIRTHDAY! I LOVE my birthday. People say that will stop at some point but I’m turning 30 this year and I am STILL excited. I’m having my first party this weekend. My lovelies, as I call them, and I¬†are having a joint 30th. The four of us all turn 30 within two months of each other (I’m the only one of us that hasn’t had my actual birthday yet – aka “The Baby”) We’ve all invited mutual friends and friends from other areas of our lives. We’re doing an afternoon potluck BBQ. We have jello shots and a bonfire planned for later ūüôā I was dreading this at first but now I’m excited. I went out last night and picked up “30” tiaras for us to wear and we’re all wearing white shirts with jeans and I’ll be personalizing the shirts. We’ll be super cute! Dessert is cupcakes in the shape of, well, a 30 of course! Pretty sure I know what next week’s Wordless Wednesday will be ūüôā FF can’t make the party and while it’s a bummer,¬†I understand. With his second job as a DJ we planned out the dates he would need off this summer back in April & May. Since we only planned this party about a month ago? Too late! So he’ll be working a double tomorrow and he’ll be missed but my¬†family is going to be there and I’m very excited about that! Apparently JD got his first chomper this week – yay!!!

On Sunday FF and I are headed to Centennial Field to watch the Vermont Lake Monsters baseball team. My work is sponsoring the day so tickets and a BBQ are paid for. We’re looking forward to it (and hitting Old Navy after for $8 hoodies!!!). Then we plan on just being lazy and starting something new over at this here blog. There’s been a lot of talk about relationships & couples in the Twitterverse¬†lately. We both feel like we’re pretty damn lucky to have each other and that our relationship is solid and awesome! We figured we’d take some time and write some posts (some together, some just by me and some just by him) about what we feel makes our relationship so awesome. We’ve both been in dark places in our lives and we know that what we have takes work – every day, by both of us. By no means are we marriage/relationship counselors but we feel like what we have works so well we’d like to share what works for us. It sounds kinda conceited when I see it like that but I know you know what our intentions are ūüôā

So, now to share a few internet gems with you. I don’t have too much this week, but I’m willing to share what I do have:

Tiffany from Mom-Nom tweeted about a video where a woman on a reverse bungee ride has a very strange reaction. See for yourself here.

And here’s an article for my single friends with advice for their dating profiles.

My triplet growing friend Jenny posted a link to this site and I couldn’t help myself. It’s hysterical!

My cousin posted this video on Facebook. If you love animals, it’s a must see! And I think it teaches a lesson that the entire human race needs to learn.

Lastly, I’ll remind you again. My birthday is September 15th (that’s 24 shopping¬† days left!) and here’s the wishlist I created. But hey, cash is fine too ūüôā

I guess that does it for me this week. There were some great posts this week so go back through the archives to see them if you missed em! Have a great weekend and see you back here on Monday! XOXO


Sex Music


Do you remember when FF wrote this¬†post? (DM for password! And note, he will be guest posting over at The Lame Sauce next Tuesday so don’t forget to read!) Well since then there’s been a lot of Twitter activity about sex to music. FF & I are big fans. I always have been. I find something inherently sexy about so much music. I’d talked to him about this and he was disinterested. Most likely because my idea of sexy and his idea of sexy are two different things. I mean my vote for sexiest song ever? Wicked Games by Chris¬†Isaak¬†(ok, maybe it’s the video. Whatev!). FF? NOT a fan! So I challenged him to create a playlist he could envision himself having sex to. He was worried at first because he thought it would, “screw with his rhythm.” I assured him it wouldn’t. And off to work he went.

Now playing on my iPod? The Brown Chicken Brown Cow mix (this is a punchline to a silly joke. I would tell it but it’s not the same as actually hearing it.) Some people have asked what’s on said mix. Well folks, today is your lucky day! Here’s a sampling of artists on the list:

John Legend
Maroon 5
Alicia Keys
Ben Harper
Akon
Black Eyed Peas
Dave Matthews Band
Kings of Leon
Timbaland

And some other artists you may or may not have heard of:

Anthony Hamilton

Shwayze

Trevor Hall

There’s many, many more. Right now the playlist is at about 75 songs. It’s a good mix of soulful music with dance music with slightly “harder” music (think Metallica, Theory of a Deadman & NIN). We’ll hear new music and know right away that it’s perfect for this list. It’s equal parts male & female artists. Fast & slow beats. We love putting it on shuffle and seeing where the music takes us.

So what about you…what songs are sexy? What songs would you put on a sex list? Have you ever tried sex to music? Can’t wait to hear from you! XO


Wordless Wednesday – Wedding Wrap up #3


Weddings are done! Well, until October anyway. My good friend and ex coworker got married this weekend. The ceremony was in the most beautiful place I’d ever seen – and FF agreed. And that’s some serious business coming from the two of us! So enjoy the pics. Especially the last one. We had a visit from some out of town friends and their sweet baby girl. Try not to oooh & ahhh too loudly ūüôā XO

TOLD YOU!!!

PS – please excuse all the hokey editing. I’m just playing around with different programs trying to find what I like ūüôā Feedback is appreciated!


My Dream Wedding


The love I received from last week’s post on depression and anxiety was overwhelming and amazingly healing. I knew all along I wasn’t alone with my mental demons & thanks to those who gave me virtual hugs with your kind comments. However, the post was a bit dark so I thought I’d post a little pick me up today. This past weekend we had our third wedding IN A ROW. July 31st, August 6th and August 14th. Whew! Glad that’s over. Well, not really because I’m a bridesmaid on October 2nd and we’re expecting another (possible) invite or two any day now. It’s exhausting. But me? I LOVE weddings. The first wedding I remember attending was in 1988 and it was in Calgary. The bride walked down the aisle to John Lennon’s “Imagine” sung by a woman who was accompanied by an acoustic guitar. At that moment? I was done for.

I’ve been in more weddings than I can count. The movie 27 Dresses? Could be my life. One summer I was a maid of honor twice in one month’s time ::facepalm::. I’ve done it all. From singing as the bride & groom look on (while I nervously warble hopefully on key. Yes, I even forgot the words once), to standing beside good friends or family as they recite their vows. To helping friends pick dinner menus, cakes, music etc. When it was time to plan my wedding? Loved it! I knew exactly what I wanted, who¬†I wanted to do it and where I wanted it done. I mean, don’t most girls dream of their wedding day their entire lives (c’mon¬†– I know it’s not just me!)? I wouldn’t say I was a Bridezilla (although I bet Sis would disagree) but I was sure of what I wanted. Kind of.

I’d always dreamt of getting married on a beach. Getting married with my bare feet in the ocean and the salty breeze and sunset creating the most beautiful day. BDNF’s mom and mine had other plans. They wanted something more traditional. So we did that. I’m glad I did it now but, at the time it wasn’t what I wanted. We had a church wedding where my minister (I’m Protestant) and his (Catholic – duh!) priest co-officiated. The flowers, my girls, our getaway car – beautiful! The food was fantastic. The dancing never stopped. My cousin, who was seriously pregnant at the time – said it was the best wedding she’d ever been to. And she couldn’t drink! I took that as a HUGE compliment.

Since my own wedding, I’ve helped friends plan theirs. My duties range from playing liaison¬†on the big day to doing (or taking part in) every detail of the planning. My dream is to do this full time¬†but living in Vermont – not much of a market for it. I’m still enjoying it anyway. But with all the planning I’m doing for other people, I can’t help but think about the day FF & I get married. Yes, we’ve discussed it. Yes, it’s something in our future. When? Who knows. We’ve both been there before and we know we’re all for reals and eternity so there’s no rush. But there kind¬†of is. There is something about standing before the people you love most in the world and declaring your everlasting love for someone. Cheesy? Maybe, but clearly so am I. So today, I share the details of my someday wedding. FF & I have discussed this subject (he would say ad nauseum) and we have agreed on every detail so far (yes, he wants an active role AND the same things as me – score!). Ok, some of these details have been mentioned in passing but not discussed but, whatev ūüėČ

This is the engagement ring I picked out. I prefer pearls over diamonds and I ADORE Celtic designs (the culture not the sports team – eff Shaq by the way!). Oh, and the price? SUPER affordable ($59!!!!)

I would love these wedding bands. The inscription reads, “Mo Anam Cara” which is Gaelic for “Soul Friend” and I find that not only to be a perfect description of what FF & I share, but incredibly romantic. FF has stated he doesn’t want to wear a ring every day. He’s not a jewelry guy – not even a watch. But he said he would get one for the sake of our ceremony & to wear on certain special occasions. He told me this VERY early on, so I’m ok with it ūüôā

I plan on having my dress made for me. I know exactly what I want and I can’t find a picture of it anywhere. But it will be breezy, and comfortable & make me feel like the most beautiful bride on earth. Maybe my mom would make it? However, I do know how I’d like to wear my hair and it’s just like this.

We’d like to have a beach wedding. In Maine. With just my parents, sister, brother in law (and nephews!) and FF’s mom. That is all! I found a place called The Colony Hotel that offers beachside¬†ceremonies at a reasonable rate. My passion for weddings? It’s really all about the¬†ceremony¬†for me. Isn’t that what a wedding SHOULD be about? The vows and promises? After all, a party doesn’t make you man & wife – the¬†pledges you make to each other for a lifetime do. I’ve written quite a few ceremonies¬†and certainly know what I want for ours!

I’d carry a bouquet of calla lilies¬†and Gerber daisies

And walk down the aisle to “Forever” by Ben Harper (Listen here. Lyrics here)

We’d have the wedding and a small intimate dinner with the “guests” and then FF & I would honeymoon for the whole week. We’d return to Vermont for a big ass party somewhere (ok, we know where we’d like it but I’m keeping that detail to myself – for now). We’d have a cake (or cupcakes!) but no cake cutting. No dollar dance. No bouquet or garter toss. We’d serve BBQ and plan a bonfire. It would be totally laid back and chill. We would not be there when everyone arrives. We would instead play a video or photo slideshow of our ceremony. Then, at the end of it, we’d be introduced. FF chose the song for our introduction. “Let it Rock” by Kevin Rudolf (Listen. Lyrics)

And then we would dance to “Our Song” which FF also picked and which we have never actually danced to: “Nothing Else Matters” by Metallica (Listen. Lyrics)

I would dance with my father to Grace Potter’s “Colors” (Listen. Lyrics)

FF’s not sure if he wants a special dance with his mom (although they have a fantastic relationship! I love the way he loves his mom! And vice versa!). But I think the perfect song would be “The One Who Knows” by Dar Williams (Listen. Lyrics)

And we, our family and our friends would dance the night away celebrating a truly amazing love. XOXO


Random Friday


I’m still amazed at the outpouring of love and acceptance I got from yesterday’s post. As Jenny said on her blog awhile back…those people who say the internet is a bad & scary place? Have not been to my internet. Thank you all again from the bottom of my heart. I am truly humbled by your kind words. I have a fun post planned for Monday so be on the lookout. But for today let’s see what gems I found on the internet this week:

Football season is here! Normally this isn’t something I’d be excited about but FF is a die hard¬†football fan (Go Pats!). I’ve learned a lot about the game and can even have conversations about football without sounding like a douchetwat¬†(I hope!). So in honor of that and the term douchetwat, let’s talk about Tim Tebow. I’m not gonna get into my personal feelings (I think you know how I feel about him) or why I feel that way because that has no bearing on this gem. He was drafted by Denver and all new drafts have to go through something of a hazing period. Carrying pads to & from practice for other players is an example. Time Tebow’s teammates? Made him get a haircut.

I like talking about blog posts from the week that I have enjoyed. This one is a double winner. Double because this blogger had a post make the countdown a few weeks ago and double the fun because it’s about diabetes. Jacquie over at Typical Type 1 did a shout out to the DOC this week and I wish I could write something half this awesome. Kisses Jacquie!

Last week I talked about becoming an anti-protest advocate. So this week, I found someone else pulling a reverse protest (does that make sense?!). Maybe this is wrong but anywhere you combine strippers with organized religion – you’re bound to get a laugh out of it!

So I’m sure you’ve all seen this by now but that girl who quit her job with the white board e-mail? GENIUS! Too bad it turned out to be a hoax ūüė¶

This story was heartwarming about love born from tragedy.

Seems like Texas has a thing for fried food. Ugh! Check out the top strange fried foods from around the country (and we wonder why Americans tend to be overweight!)

And lastly this week, get out the tissues. This video was all over Twitter and Facebook this week. I have yet to find a person that made it all the way through this video. Go ahead, give it a shot ūüôā

Well, in a few hours I’m headed to the lake to see my Monkey and spend time with family. Wedding tomorrow and out of town visitors on Sunday. Another full weekend over here. But it still looks like FF & I get to sleep in on Sunday so I’m ok with it ūüôā XO


I’m a Train Wreck…Waiting to Happen**


If you’ve been reading my blog at all, you know I’ve had a lot going on. My summer started with a promotion at work and some crazy long, exhausting days. I am in love with my new job and wouldn’t change it for anything. I feel at home in a way I haven’t with a job in a long time. It’s glorious. But, it has its own stresses just as any job does. Then my social calendar (along with my head it felt like) exploded. Weddings, baptisms, family reunions, birthday parties. Girl’s nights, doctor’s appointments, 5k training, event planning. I’ve even given up on writing events on my calendar because I just know that I have something going on every day. I cherish any sleep or downtime I get. Add to that some financial worries for which the only cure is getting a second job. It just has me wishing there were more hours in a day. It’s so bad that FF and I have planned a date…for hitting the farmer’s market…two Saturdays from now. How sad is that?! I normally thrive on stress. This stress though? Has reached a whole new level.

Very few people know about my anxiety. I haven’t ever really¬†mentioned it here. It’s not something I spend a lot of time discussing with my friends. It’s something I’ve dealt with for a long time. I’ve never been ashamed per se, just something I don’t feel comes up in everyday conversations. Plus, i don’t know a lot about it & it’s totally out of my control (ok, not totally). My diabetes comes up a lot I think just because it’s more of¬†a social disease –¬†I test in public,¬†I bolus in public and obviously, I eat in public. I try, at all costs, to avoid having an anxiety attack in public.

I know it doesn’t make any sense but that’s always how its been. Even BDNF¬†was pretty much unaware of its existence. I hid it. I would take a weekly bath that would be my escape to cry or sing or scream to get the terribleness¬†out of my body. I would watch tv shows knowing they would make me cry because I just had to realease. Immediately following our separation, I sought counseling. I was a massive wreck of proportions I’d rather not discuss. I knew that not only was MY¬†sanity in danger but so was the sanity of anyone that got close. So I made an appointment through Unicare/EAP (the most awesome thing EVER!) and began seeing a wonderful¬†counselor that I loved. I felt very comfortable with her and I felt like time flew during my appointments. Nothing was forced or uncomfortable and I never felt guilty or stupid. It was marvelous. Problem. Because of my health insurance at the time, I only got 4 visits with her. I was far from where I needed to be so she recommended¬†another therapist who my insurance would cover. This woman apparently specialized in people with mental & emotional issues who were also chronically ill. Sounded perfect to me! Well, not as awesome as she sounded. Apparently in her mind diabetes was not a chronic illness until I brought it to her attention. I always felt like she was bored and her notetaking irritated me. She seemed condescending and I lied through my teeth to her.¬†I didn’t tell her about the fact that I was concerned about my alcohol intake. I didn’t tell her I wasn’t eating. I didn’t tell her about the boys. It was terrible. One night Mamacita brought to my attention that I was missing the whole point of seeing a therapist. And she was right. So I stopped going.

It was right about this time that I met Ginger. Well the hormones and feel good heartwarming butterfly stomached emotions came out and my depression & anxiety were pushed aside.¬†I didn’t need those feelings anymore. I wasn’t that girl anymore. I was happy and loved and perfectly insanely on top of the world. And then I wasn’t anymore.

I hit a rough spot in my job and Ginger urged me to quit. I was scared because I had no savings. I was living in his house, driving a car he bought for me and he was paying all the bills. Because I had been divorced it was always in the back of my head that¬†I would need something¬†to fall back on in case this didn’t work out (old habits die hard¬†– I hate that). Not having a job basically equated to me being dependant on him and I was too close for comfort with that as it was. But we loved each other, so I quit. I stayed home all day submitting resumes and online job searching. Cooking, cleaning & laundering. And I loved it. Except I started to have feelings of insecurity.¬†I¬†couldn’t cook enough meals or have the floors clean enough to equal what Ginger had given me. That feeling of being indebted quickly swarmed into a deep depression. I’d been open with feelings for the most part about Ginger. I lost my grandmother from a car accident within the first two months of our dating. He handled that whole¬†situation well and made me feel comfortable to share some of the things in my head. But I started pulling inward. I felt too crazy. I felt like he wouldn’t understand and wouldn’t love me anymore because I was broken, Because I had lied to him about who I really was. So, my crazy thoughts drove a wedge between us until it got to the point that I was absolutely¬†positive he wanted me to leave. So I did stupid little things until I was right…and he asked me to move out.

It was tough but Ginger was honest. He told me that he’d been my band-aid¬†all along and he couldn’t¬†do that anymore. It was true. I had a lot of unresolved issues that were just going to continue to ruin more relationships in the future. So I called Unciare¬†again and got a new therapist. This woman was¬†an old hippie. I met her at her house, with her dogs. No shoes allowed. She was flighty, but I liked her. She seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say and it felt like a good fit. After my visits were up I continued seeing her as my insurance did cover her. She even had an office where I moved to when my company relocated (I’ve since stopped seeing her because I felt like I was her soap opera. I honestly think she was getting more out of our sessions than I was.)

For a while I went on meds too. My PCP prescribed Ativan¬†for the acute anxiety (which isn’t really cute at all by the way) and Lexapro¬†for my depression. The Lexapro¬†and I didn’t get along and I ended up in the ER being pumped full of fluids. PCP switched me to Celexa¬†and even that was too strong. We got me down to about half a dose and my body just want¬†having it. So no antidepressants for me. On Thanksgiving night I thought it would be a good idea to show up at Ginger’s house unannounced (he’d recently told me he’d met someone new – didn’t go over well). I went home and sobbed. I was all alone in a town 20 miles from my friends and family. My cat had run away. My roommate was impossible to get along with. So I picked up the phone and called my parents – at 3am. “I’m afraid to take my Ativan¬†because I think I might take more than I’m supposed to. I’m scared & I don’t know what to do.” Within 45 minutes my father was in my driveway taking me to the comfort of family. The next days were hard but I slowly got through. I had met FF a few days¬†before all this went down (I don’t even think he knows about the Ativan incident – til now. Whoops) and being around him made me feel better about myself and about life.

I remained in therapy but went off all meds with the help of my doctor. The Ativan¬†had been hidden from me and the Celexa¬†made me feel worse than I did without it. I spent many many¬†hours talking to FF and I was very clear that¬†I¬†was extremely mentally unstable. I was completely honest about what had happened with my breakup with Ginger. He listened. He never pushed. He never made me feel as crazy as I made myself feel. I again started to fall in love. But this time? Was different. FF wasn’t willing to be my band-aid. If it was meant to be, it would be and he was willing to wait until I became slightly more mentally sound. It was so frustrating at the time but I am so grateful now that he pushed me to get well for me and no other reason. And now, when I have a breakdown, he sees it coming when I do. The way I tense up, or sigh loudly. When I start taking shallow breaths and pacing. He knows how to talk me down and comfort me so I can discuss and move on.

Lately though, it’s becoming¬†too much. I feel like I put too much responsibility on him to help me feel better in those times of desperation and don’t rely on myself and the skills I’ve acquired through therapy. So now,¬†I¬†called Unicare¬†and set up another six appointments (they now cover a minimum of 6 instead of 3!). I’ve discussed trying meds again (I’m scared but with trying to quit smoking on top of this anxiety I am UGLY!) and FF has helped me plan a course of action. I know none of this is a cure – I’m cursed just like with my diabetes that I will live this way forever. However, also like diabetes, it’s up to me to do what¬†I¬†can to manage (not CONTROL) my anxiety. I’m excited to take this step again and most of all, I’m excited to feel like me again. I know change won’t happen overnight but simply making the appointment and laying it all here at your feet, makes me already feel like I’ve made leaps and bounds of progress towards living well with depression, anxiety and diabetes. XOXO

**- lyrics to one of my favoriteSarah McLachlan songs. Listen here