Today I have to write about something that’s been on my mind which bugs me. It bugs me because it’s something that shouldn’t. It bugs me because I am truly happier than I have ever been and I’m not going to let anyone knock me down. It bugs me because, well, just because! This thing that’s bugging me? My ex husband. I suppose he needs a name. Let’s call him BDNF (this is Mamacita’s nickname for him – it stands for Big Daddy No Fun and is pretty hilarious – and true!) Let me start at the beginning.
BDNF and I have known each other since 1st grade – no lie. I even have a picture of us together on the first day of school. His dad worked with my mom when he was born so my mom even held him as a baby. Sounds like fate right? Right?! Yeah, not so much. As usual throughout school years our friendship waxed and waned. He moved away to Florida to live with his dad in 8th grade. he came back not even a year later. Our friendship really began to blossom at that point. By senior year he was my best friend. We would meet and chat every morning before class and we’d hug & laugh. He made it very clear he wanted more from our friendship but I simply wasn’t interested. I didn’t want to ruin what we had. I went to him when I lost my virginity. I went to him when I thought I was pregnant. I went to him whenever yet another boy broke my heart. I dated his best friend. I lusted after another of his friends. I continually brushed off his advances. Yeah, I was pretty much a terrible friend.
I’m not really sure when things changed between us but shortly after graduation, we decided to give this relationship business a shot. I went away to college that fall. He visited once a week and I came home every weekend (my school was less than two hours from home). He joined me at college for a year and a half. When I moved home (halfway through my senior year – this story needs its own post – trust me) we moved in together. Six months later we got engaged. Two years later we were married. We were a great couple for the most part (when I’m able to look back at the good times). We enjoyed entertaining. We loved the same music (we were at concerts almost weekly for a while). We had a bond that went back years before our marriage and a relationship that was 7 years in the making before our wedding. (side note: Twitter Wedding Blog Hop scheduled for Friday 6/18. Click here for details. I still have some wedding photos but I won’t be participating in this blog hop – for obvious reasons) Then things went downhill.
I will spare you the details because it’s not important anymore. What you need to know – I suspected he was cheating. I called him out on it & he denied it. I was diagnosed with diabetes and he wouldn’t cancel plans for some volunteer work (with the girl, whom I will refer to as Homewrecker or HW, I suspected he was cheating with) so that he could help me transition and deal with this crushing news. He was my husband after all – in sickness and in health right? We went around and around with the fighting for a few days so I moved out and moved in with my parents. We talked for a few weeks about how to save our marriage but he wasn’t interested – flat out told me it wasn’t worth saving. I found out less than 6 weeks after we separated that he had in fact been cheating on me – for months (as I’d suspected.). I was devastated. I could tell you the funny stories involved with me discovering his infidelity (I threw a water bottle at him because I’m totally mature) or the day I moved all my stuff out (stolen lightbulbs. Broken glass on the bathroom floor and I took the broom. You get the point – I lost my shit) but there’s no need. Maybe someday when I need a post idea and I feel you all could use a chuckle then I’ll do it. Anyway, it was ugly. I was losing not only my marriage but a lifelong friend. I felt like everything had been turned upside down. Black was white. Off was on. I was all kinds of messed up (and yes, I was on meds and in therapy – thank God!) It was simply terrible but a time in my life that I am grateful for how much I learned (like how much I could handle & who my real friends were) and how much I grew.
In April, it had been 3 years since the separation (divorce final in November of 2007). My relationship with BDNF now is…wierd? I don’t know how else to describe it. Because we’ve known each other so long and because of what we shared and how long it’s been (plus where I’m at in my life now) I feel its ok to talk once in a while. FF is understanding of this which makes it easier too. We chat every once in a while about things that only he would understand (when my teacher passed a few weeks ago – he had the same teacher. It was easy to talk to him and share memories with him.) However, sometimes I get text messages from him that are so inappropriate and it makes all those bad, mean, nasty, no good feelings come back. Here are some examples:
- When I went through my first post-divorce breakup, BDNF & I had started speaking occasionally again. He started calling me and telling me that him and HW were having problems. He made it sound as if she was cheating on him. Now karma is a bitch and I know this. Part of me felt bad, the other part was singing “Hallelujah” and dancing around the living room. He deserved this! He deserved worse than this. After about a week of the phone calls and the crying I couldn’t take it anymore. “What do you want from me? What do you need me to do? You need to tell me what’s going on.” That’s when he told me he had cheated on her. Huh? Excuse me? You think its acceptable to call your ex-wife and cry because you cheated on the girl you cheated on her with? Um, excuse me. Pull your head out of your ass. We didn’t talk for a long time after this -pretty much because I told him to get lost. And put a leash on his dick to keep it in his pants (manwhore!)
- He knew I was getting a Penguin Plunge logo tattoo. His brother was a Special Olympian (and a big draw for my interest in that organization) and he was there the first few years of me plunging. When I sent him the pic, he answered, “now I have a pic of your ass on my phone. Nice!” What.the.fuck?! seriously dude? You lost all rights to comment on any body part of mine when you started sleeping with that fat ass no good piece of trash. You had this for NINE YEARS and you threw it away. Now, someone else gets to benefit. Someone who appreciates me, loves me and would NEVER dream of being unfaithful.
- He got a cat a few weeks ago and sent me a pic. We rescued two kitty brothers a year before we got married. I took them in the divorce (I did it because I didn’t want him to have them and I loved them so much. He wanted me to have them because HW was deathly allergic – pffft). One kitty ran away almost two years ago. The other one? I had to give him away when I moved in with FF because we’re not allowed to have cats. I offered money and time if my sister or mother would keep him at their house but it just wouldn’t work. In a last ditch effort I called BDNF and he “couldn’t take him.” Wouldn’t offer an explanation. But less than a year later I get a pic of his cute kitten? Fuck off!
- I got a text the other night that I haven’t responded to (and most likely won’t). It said, “Patrick Fitz August 5.” Now, doesn’t sound like much to you right? Well, Patrick Fitzsimmons was a somewhat local folk artist we discovered together and both fell in love with (the hardest part of our divorce? Who got what music. I kept Chad. Yay!) Anyway, so Patrick Fitzsimmons is coming to town. Kinda cool but not really my thing these days. Also, August 5 would be our 5 year wedding anniversary. He knows this. He’s doing it to push my buttons. I’m aware of this but I hate that it still gets to me. Stop checking in on me. I know dates (i’m a flipping walking calendar – ask any of my friends).
So this is just a sampling. Am I wrong to be upset? I am sooooo happy with my life now and I’d love to just move on. Maybe I shouldn’t talk to BDNF anymore? I’ve tried that, it’s hard. Our lives and friends are still so intertwined and most likely always will be. I’m grateful for FF and how he helps me put things in perspective. But I feel bad when I get frustrated about BDNF. I don’t feel like it’s right to go to my boyfriend to bitch and complain about my ex husband. I don’t want him to feel that he is not enough or that I’m not over BDNF. Let me say, I did love BDNF at one time. I also don’t regret marrying him (because of what I learned). I just want to figure out how to keep him in my life as an acquaintance ( I don’t even wanna be his friend) and not let him push my buttons.
Any other divorcees out there? How do I handle this? How do you handle it? Anyone else have any crazy ex stories? I’d love to hear em 🙂 XO
P.S. – BDNF & HW are no longer together. She figured out what I meant when I told her, “If he’ll do it with ya, he’ll do it to ya.” There’s that karma again. I also would like it known that this girl was a friend of mine. I don’t blame one more than the other. They both had a hand in this happening. But they did deserve each other – they’re both immoral. And fat. Just so ya know. It makes me feel beter and hey – this is my blog right? So yes, I’m still bitter even though I wouldn’t change a thing. I guess it’s a pride issue. Hopefully that will heal in time too.